mata melihat, hati bicara

Siapa tahu aku masih lagi bertatih mencari sinar kekuatan yang lama hilang, Siapa tahu aku masih lagi cuba menyulam senyuman untuk luka yang menyakitkan, Siapa tahu aku masih lagi cuba memahami setiap bait takdir yang Tuhan ukirkan, Dan, siapa tahu aku juga pendam segala yang telah dirahsiakan. Aku tak tahu sampai bila hati ini akan rapuh, Aku tak tahu sampai bila hati ini akan terus disakiti, Aku tak tahu sampai bila hati ini akan merintih hiba, Dan, aku tak tahu sampai bila hati ini akan memendam rasa. Tuhan, Pengisi segala hati mati, Hidupkanlah hati mati ini, Sinarilah hati mati ini, Kasihilah hati mati ini, Dan, lindungilah hati mati ini. Hati mati yang terus berharap kasih manusia, Hati mati yang terus berharap cinta manusia, Dan, hati mati yang terus bergantung pada manusia. Tabahkanlah hati mati ini, Sembuhkanlah hati mati ini, Dan, peliharakanlah hati mati ini. ... Sudahlah, Tuhan akan hadirkan seseorang lebih baik dan terbaik untuk kau. Seseorang ya...

Hai... Rasa janggal untuk menulis semula kerana hari-hari yang dilalui amat sukar sehingga tidak bisa untuk terus berbicara melainkan menghadapinya perlahan-lahan. Menghadam setiap bait-bait kehidupan dengan senyuman walaupun penuh kesukaran. Kecewa, Kemudian, senyum semula. Jatuh, Kemudian, bangun semula. Sakit, Kemudian, pulih semula. Sedih, Kemudian, gembira semula. Pelbagai rasa dalam satu masa. Masalah sentiasa datang bertubi-tubi. Air mata peluah segala bebanan rasa. Dan, kembali tersenyum semula. Terus mencari kekuatan di mana-mana. Semakin dewasa, semakin banyak memendam rasa. Senyuman telah menjadi "helah tipu daya" menutup segalanya.  Melihat, Tapi cuba untuk buta. Mendengar, Tapi cuba untuk pekak. Menghidu, Tapi sebenarnya lemas. Berbicara, tapi lebih dari bisu sebenarnya. Mungkin sudah tiba masa memperbaiki diri.

Half of my heart said, I should not learn to understand you, I should not let you kiss and touch me, I should not get close with you. Half of my heart said, I need you to comfort me, I need you to cheer me up, I need you to stay by my side. However, you owned your heart, Your heart is yours, You have your own path and options, You can either stay or leave. The missing piece that you took away, I fix it back to continue my life with happiness. Only with you, I found my anger, Only with you, There are bad and good vibes came around, Only with you, I'm hurt more instead of happy. Now, I'm going to tell the world, I'm regretting falling in love with you.

I don't know how to start this story. What I feel right now is lonely. I feel like nobody wanna be my friends. Probably it's just because right now I'm working as General worker (Pembantu Awam) where the people who hold this positions mostly their critical thinking is just SPM level. I am the only one General worker that have a degree. Of course the way we're thinking are different. Therefore, I do not have friends and alone. I feel myself and my life journey so pathetic. Many people wanna betray me. They afraid because I have everything. They try to fight and hurt me silently. I'm the one who feel very painful.  I try to be like them by minimize all my skills so that, I can be their friend. But, who knows, in the end, I'm the one who still hurts more. What I've been realize right now, I need to walk alone in this journey, face everything by myself, avoid them, just silent and put many smile from my cheeks. They are just like monster. I hate them pretty...

Hey! It's already 2018. it just a number and it is seem doesn't mean anything. There are many things happens in my life until I don't know how write. I prefer to keep it just as a secret. Let me go through these world silently and learn, learn and keep learning things new. Always pray for the good thing might be come fast.